Bojangles (Character)

Bojangles is a recurring character within Timesuck lore.

Podcast Description
Bojangles:

Age: Immortal. (Go fuck yourself)

Description: One-eyed, three legged pit bull who always wears an eye patch and often uses a prosthetic leg. Bojangles can appear in a variety of forms. He can allow himself to be seen as a giant, genetically modified beast big enough to let two grown men ride upon his back and he can also show up as a normal-sized, three-legged, bad-ass dog. Bojangles’s prosthetic limb, should he choose to wear it, can be wooden, a metal dog-leg made up of some type of indestructible steel alloy, or it can be a weapon, such as the leg-gun he allegedly fired upon JFK with.

Special Attributes: Despite missing an eye and being down a leg, there is nothing that Bojangles can’t do, except maybe go easy on communism. Bojangles IS Timesuck! He’s the show’s spirit, soul, and mascot. He’s relentless, fearless, and if something interesting is happening or has happened in this fascinating world of ours, you can be sure that Bojangles is or was somehow involved. He’s an inspiration - if the loss of both a leg and an eye can’t stop Bojangles from getting done what he needs to get done, what’s your excuse for not relentlessly pursuing your dreams?

Origin: Episode thirty-two, The Marilyn Monroe Timesuck, April 24th, 2017. Bojangles shows up several times in this episode, first appearing as the one-eyed, three-legged canine leader of a pack of feral pit bulls who kidnap Marilyn’s guardian’s Aunt Ana. He shows up again in 1947, in the early Monroe film, Dangerous Years, receiving slightly higher billing than Marilyn did. And then Bojangles pops up as actor yet again in 1956, co-starring with Marilyn Monroe in the Fox studio box office juggernaut, Bojangles Takes Manhattan!, the story of a one eyed, three-legged dog/fighter jet pilot who’s been hired by the President of the United States to take back New York form the clutches of The Lizard Illuminati. Bojangles is also mentioned as being Marilyn’s pet in this episode.

Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: Bojangles’s legend really begins to grow in the episode after his creation, episode thirty-three, the Designer Babies Timesuck. It’s revealed that the CIA had kept Bojangles cryogenically frozen since the 1950s and then thawed him out in 1983. The CIA gave his remaining eye x-ray and laser-shooting capabilities, he was tripled in size, and given a robotic fourth leg ten times as strong as either of Steven Seagal’s legs. The CIA paired him with Triple M and James Ingram to fight the spread of communism, traveling back in time to do so as needed. It was also revealed in Episode thirty-three that Bojangles is in charge of Timesuck research (if there’s any mistakes - it is Bojangles’s fault, NOT the fault of Dan Cummins).

We learn that Bojangles may have been involved in the assassination of cult leader Jim Jones and JFK in episode thirty-four and bonus episode six, and that he was also rumored to run a new South American gang of dogs in the Pablo Escobar bonus suck number five. In episode forty-three, the Lost City of Atlantis, it was revealed that the Greek god Poseidon claimed to have created Bojangles when he mated with an ancient female pit bull. Bojangles was the finest warrior on the isle of Atlantis, slaying enemy soldiers with ease and beloved by both female dogs and human women alike. He ended up battling Zeus himself in the final battle of Atlantis, almost destroying the Greek God before losing an eye via one of Zeus’s thunderbolts and then losing a leg with another.

In episode forty-five, the North Korea suck, it is revealed that Bojangles was not created by Poseidon but that Nimrod himself created Bojangles as an immortal. Who do you believe? Poseidon or Nimrod? Perhaps both creation stories share a part of a larger truth?

Bojangles may or may not have ran a drug site on the dark web, he’s shown up in children’s nightmares as the Hellhound of Slenderman, he’s mentioned in Nimrod’s armageddon theology, and he’ll continue to make his presence known for as long as Timesuck exists.