Albert Fish (Character)

Albert Fish was the focus of a Timesuck episode and became a recurring character within Timesuck lore.

Podcast Description
Albert Fish:

Age: 65

Description: 5’ 5” tall. 130 pounds. Born in Washington D.C. in 1870. Spent most of his life living on the East Coast and working as a house painter. After being sent to prison for murder and more, he was given various monikers by the press: “the Gray Man”, “the Werewolf of Wysteria”, the “Brooklyn Vampire”, the “Moon Maniac”, and "The Boogey Man.” He was executed via the electric chair in Sing-Sing prison in New York in 1936. He’d been convicted for the murder of ten-year-old Grace Budd (who he also cannibalized). Although he was not charged, he also murdered nine-year-old Francis McDonnell and four-year-old Billy Gaffney. And he may have killed many, many others. And he’s believed to have raped over a hundred children.

Albert often appeared to others in his later years as a harmless and loving grandfather. And, sadly, he was a grandfather. He was NOT loving and he certainly was far from harmless.

Special Attributes: Fluent grasp of early 20th century street-slang and pretty good at changing the lyrics of early jazz, blues and ragtime standards into unlistenable, appalling, and disgusting tunes.

Origin: Albert showed up first in Suck 141, titled: “Albert Fish: NY Killer and SUPER Creep.”

We learned all about Albert’s terrible childhood. He fell our of a cherry tree as a child resulting in a head wound that led to dizzy spells, headaches, and a stutter. His dad was an elderly, hateful asshole. His mom was dirt poor. He spent time in an orphanage where he was likely raped and molested and where he learned that he became sexually aroused when he was beaten and when he beat others. He also figured out that he became sexually aroused when he would eat feces and drink piss. He once watched other orphans soak a horse’s tail in gasoline and light it on fire which also made him horny. Inspired by this event, he’d later stick things in his butt and light them on fire. He loved inserting needles in his groin. At least twenty-nine sewing needles were found still inside of him when he died.

Albert wrote lots of letters revealing an almost limitless desire for sexual depravity. He wrote letters to numerous widows trying to convince them into savagely beating him and sexually degrading him. He pretended to be a big shot Hollywood producer and that in Hollywood, all kinds of stars got spanked and ate feces. He may have cut a mentally handicapped man’s penis partially off after tying him up in an abandoned barn and forcing the poor bastard to primarily consume piss and shit for days. He wrote a letter to the parents of murder victim Grace Budd detailing how he kidnapped and killed her and then ate part of her, stating, “How sweet and tender her little ass was roasted in the oven.”

He spent time in psychiatric facilities numerous times before his final arrest. Severe mental illness ran heavily in his family. He encouraged his own step children to spank him, playing a game called “Buck buck, how many hands up?” It consisted of Fish dressing in just a tiny pair of brown pair of shorts while closing his eyes and guessing how many fingers his step kids were holding in the air. If he guessed wrong, the kids would have to use a paint brush to spank his ass. Ideally until it was bloody.

Along with the Toybox killer and Jeffrey Dahmer, he’s one of the most sexually depraved human beings I’ve ever heard of.

In his origin episode, we had Albert do a little singing - changing the lyrics of the old crooner standard, “That’s Amore”, to “That’s How I Cum!”

“Well you know it’s the best when the poop hits your chest, that’s how I cum!

I’ll shoot my seed, when your ass starts to bleed, that’s how I cum!”

Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: In the Suckverse, Albert loves singing and speaking in old-timey, early 20th century lingo.

He loves eating “peanut butt butter” and yelling “SHOWBIZ!” He loves telling people, “That is how they do it in Hollywood!” And he likes to change the lyrics of early 20th century songs and sing little ditties about, mostly, spankings and peanut butter.

After his debut episode, he reappeared right away in Suck 142, “Darwin Awards and Evolution,” in an ad for “Albert Fish Tortures the Classics” an album of “torturous takes on classic songs of the 1920’s and 1930’s.”

In this ad, he changes the lyrics of “I Got Rhythm” into the timeless “I Got Someone Tied Up in The Barn.”

“I’ve got paddles, I’ve got lots of rope, Fat Bottom in the barn  - Who Could Ask for Anything More.

He is tied up, peanut butt butter, setting our bottoms on fire, who can ask for anything more!”

He shows up singing more songs in Suck 143, “America’s Homeless Epidemic.”

He pops up in a LOT of Sucks real quick to say, “Showbiz! That’s how they do it in Hollywood”, usually in referenced to an extremely depraved sexual act or something to do with piss or shit.

He shows up in Suck 145, “Josef Fritzl: Austria’s Monster,” to torture world’s-worst-father-ever Fritzl, who we pretend has been placed in some medieval stocks, saying: “Relax Bluenose. The name’s Albert Fish. Peanut Butt Butter and torture are my game and I just finished up with the peanut butter portion of the show! Listen dew-dropper, ever tried breathing when your nose is stuffed halfway up a man’s caboose? Showbiz! Don’t take any wooden nickels! Ever choked on another man’s peanut butter while he whittles off your monkey? Why that is how they do it in Hollywood!”

He promotes a new album called “Fish kills the 40s!” in Suck 146, “The Black Dahlia.”

He sings a couple of duets with late 19th century and early 20th century Scandinavian serial killer Belle Gunness in Suck 150.

He’s referenced as a possible early member of the Ninth Circle Cult in Suck 153.

He referees a wrestling match between Jesse James and the Grim Reaper in Suck 154, “The Outlaw Jesse James and the James-Younger Gang.”

Albert is dirty, dirty bird who loves “butt play” more than anyone else in history.

Why is he an avatar? Because old-timey lingo combined with pretending to be a hot shot Hollywood producer combined with singing songs about eating other people’s poop is hilarious. Showbiz!